Being an Aspiring Clinical Psychologist is hard. I do not just mean hard work getting into the field or managing potentially challenging roles or environments, but mainly I feel the perseverance. Having had several unsuccessful doctorate applications, the consideration for no longer putting my life on hold became very apparent for me during the previous application cycle. Although it had not stopped life from continuing, it had always hung over my head that the plan of qualifying in advance of starting a family was essential for me. I could not see completing training any other way. Following said failed attempts, I had my first experience that it was time to think of a plan b.
Although my desire to succeed was still as strong (if not stronger) than ever, it just no longer felt a reasonable expectation to continue with ‘but maybe next year I will be in the doctorate’ when considering other life decisions. I considered my options and what I wanted in life and concluded that I needed to contemplate other options. I needed to prioritise certain aspects of my life over training, rather than the other way around and not chase something which let us face it – ambition or not – I may not achieve. Not that training had taken over my life per se, but in terms of what comes first, it had certainly felt that training must be completed first. I succumbed to the fact that I needed to think of other options and decided that I may not apply the following cycle. I recall feeling very backed into this decision and thought I had accepted it. However, I just felt very unhappy and almost a lack of purpose if I were just to give up trying. After a very quick and reasonably low couple of weeks – I decided no. I do not want a plan b. I do not want to give up on what I still wanted to achieve so strongly. Failing is only when we give up right?
I did however accept that I am no longer planning my life around the what if’s. If I want to buy a new house or start a family, whether that is before or during (hopeful) training, then that is what I will do. For some, the thought of that would make them run a mile. It had done for me for what seems a few years now. However, for I think the first time, I am no longer being too rigid over life being in the right order. It is a career and a line of work that I am determined to achieve, but now I have accepted that it will happen when it happens and it will have to fit around my life at that time, whatever it may look like. I also felt a natural societal, peer and mainly age pressure to start having a family when the reality is, I am not ready yet as I am still very career driven. It may be that I am ready to consider having children just as I hopefully start training. But that is okay. I have realised that there are so many ifs and buts and uncertainties in life, that it just does not make sense to me anymore to plan for several things, that ultimately, I cannot entirely control.
For the first time this has made me much more relaxed about the prospect of when I may get accepted onto training and when I have a family, as I aim to do both. When? Who knows? But whenever that may be it is now without any pressure – which I was only putting on myself. It has also created an increase in flexibility and opportunity for other things. The excitement of considering and applying for new roles around application season (not my best idea) whilst also considering new things for my future personal life has been made significantly easier since I have ‘let go’ a little. I will keep applying, but I will also keep living by finding joy in other things and ensuring that I enjoy the process until I get there. As who knows how long I will be in pre-qualified roles and so fulfilment along the way feels the most important.